A new study out of the University of Washington has left local pet owners with mixed emotions after scientists confirmed that their beloved pet cats cannot spread the COVID-19 virus, but definitely would knowingly and willingly do so if given the choice. “While previous studies confirmed that felines are vulnerable to contracting COVID-19, their species apparently suffers no ill effects and doesn, 't present a risk as a disease vector. That being said, those little fuckers definitely would infect each and each one among you if they might,” said Up communicable disease researcher Herbert Grant. “We have witnessed common household cats exhibit unique behavior we believe is an effort to deliberately spread contagion. Feline subjects were observed coughing onto their human toothbrushes, prolonging lapses in normal paw hygiene, and rushing bent greet delivery workers before showering their owners with what the cat wants you to believe is affection. The study’s conclusion was clear: Your cat wants you to contract COVID-19.” While the scientific community has come to a near consensus on feline attempts to spread the novel corona virus, many faithful pet owners are completely and utterly unsurpassed. “Oh, this news doesn’t shock me within the slightest — this tiny asshole definitely wants me dead,” said Steven Gonzales, Fremont resident and cat owner. “At least once every week he walks between my legs even as I start a walking down the steps, trying to trip me, so I break my neck. And that I know this sounds crazy, but I awakened one night with my pillow over my face, and I’m like 99% sure this tiny bastard was trying to smother me. Fucked-up little David Purr-kowtiz running around my house, I’m onto you, you little asshole. He does this cute thing when a bird shows abreast of TV, though … tries to catch it and shit. He’s alright. Seriously though, you ought to probably leave before nightfall. It’s not safe.” Researchers were quick to reassure the public that while your cat’s ceaseless attempts to spread a highly communicable disease to you is certainly cause for concern, their actions are significantly less harmful than your average middle-aged woman with a Facebook account.